How to help a friend

It can be difficult to know how to help a friend who has depression. What might work today may receive a very different reaction tomorrow. It is very common for someone with depression to be particularly moody and withdrawn and generally to behave differently from the person we know they are. Often people with depression wear a ‘mask’ and work really hard to appear OK around friends, so that it can be hard for friends to know how they are really feeling on the inside.

Be a good listener

People with depression are usually very concerned about what others will think of them for having depression. Often, they feel that they are not good friends and are depressing to be around. Being prepared and available just to listen, without feeling you need to ‘fix’ your friend’s problems, can really help.

Be comfortable talking about depression

When your friend feels you are comfortable talking about depression , they won’t feel as ‘weird’ for having it. Ask them questions in the same way you would about any other illness. Learn from them what they know and also what they don’t know or are concerned about.

Brainstorm solutions

Rather than trying to ‘fix’ or feel you have to make your friend feel better, it can be very effective to simply brainstorm solutions with them. Encourage your friend to come up with solutions to the challenges related to their depression, its treatment and its impact on study or work. Often your friend will know the answers, but depression can make it difficult for them to concentrate and can distort their thinking. By brainstorming with your friend, you are letting them know that you support them and also that you trust and know they can win through. It is a great way to help them feel that they still have power and control over their health and wellbeing.

Encourage the little things

Doing even the smallest things can take a huge effort with depression. By focusing on the things your friend is doing that will help them recover (no matter how small), and by letting them know that you understand the effort they are putting in and how much you admire their courage, you can encourage them to keep going when it all seems too hard.

Don’t ask your friend to cheer up

They can’t. Let your friend know that you don’t mind if they are feeling down, that you still enjoy being with them and that you care. Tell them you know they can get through this and that you will be there for them along theway. They need to know you don’t consider them weak or wrong for feeling the way they do and not being able to ‘snap out of it’.

Don’t let your friend’s mood bring you down

This is important for you both! If your friend’s behaviour or mood brings you down, take time out to recover and do something really pleasant just for you. It can be really tough supporting someone with depression and you need to look after yourself as well. Your friend probably knows they are hard to be around at times and may feel guilty if they think they are dragging you down.

Support them working with their Healthcare Professional

The stigma around depression, medications and therapy too often means that people are reluctant to seek any form of professional treatment. Ask your friend about their treatment and encourage them to talk about any issues they may have with their doctor. Encourage them to work with their doctor, psychologist or counselor to get the most out of treatment.

What if they hurt themself?

If someone close to you hurts themself then you need to encourage them to get help right away. If your friend refuses, then someone who looks after them needs to be told, so they do get the right help.

It is not right to keep this a secret, as there is a risk of suicide and that would be tragic. Nearly all people who suicide have told someone of their feelings or have already done something to hurt themselves. So it is really important to make sure they receive the right help quickly. It is not betraying them in any way, even if they ask you to keep it a secret. When people are depressed, often they do not think very clearly and it is only after they recover that they appreciate how you have helped them through the tough times.